Wondering How To Grow A Beard? STOP SHAVING.

The Story Of My Quest For World Beard And Moustache Championship Glory

We were talking in the office yesterday about viral campaigns on the Internet. So, at first I was going to post about the concept of things “going viral” on the world’s widest web. Then, I thought…why not write a blog about beards.

Growing A Beard Is Cool. I Have A Beard. Therefore, I Am Cool

Beards are awesome. For example, I have a beard. Most of the bearded folks I know are pretty cool. And even for every crazy beardo out there, there’s a wholesome better half. For every Chuck Manson, there’s a Chuck Norris.

The point is, I’m thinking of going pro. The next World Beard and Moustache Championships are less than two years away and if I’m gonna go for it, I’m gonna go now.

The Saga For Beard Gold Begins

So, as a Search Engine Marketing Strategist, I did a little keyword research to see how a future beard champion would go about finding information on demolishing the competition and guess what? People are stupid. Wait, no. That came out wrong.

What I meant to say is – too many people search for “how to grow a beard” than society as a whole should be comfortable with. How to grow a beard? Really? Do these people not have faces? Stop shaving! When someone searches Google for “how to grow a beard,” the Internet should grind to a halt and we should all point and laugh.

Dear Beard Team USA, I Accept Your Invitation

My beard was famous...on cable.

My beard was famous...on cable.

Anyway, I joined up with the Beard Team USA…and that’s no lie. It sounds like a pretty major step, but they set the bar pretty low. I wanted to impress them with not only my facial hair, but how it quite literally has its own character. So I sent in the following picture, in which you can see my beard starring in a walk-on role on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

That’s me all the way on the right – “Blue Shirt Guy W/Backpack.” And that’s my beard…on my face. I figure I’m a shoe-in for first string on Beard Team USA. That’s some crucial beard starpower that could make a good team a great team. Plus, this guy is on the team and his beard is wack.

Beware The Moustache Championship Division

Ok, that’s enough talk about beards for now. I’ve got my work cut out for me if the2011 World Beard and Moustache Championships are going to be the cakewalk I expect. And just so we’re clear, I’ve got no love for the Moustache Championship division.  There are only two kinds of moustachioed folks on this planet:

Those that lost the ‘stache and gained respect;
PhotobucketPhotobucket

and those who are above any moustache mockery;
PhotobucketPhotobucket

The rest just look creepy.

2011 World Beard And Moustache Championship, Here I Come

If you remember nothing from this rant, remember this – Beards are awesome. Mine starred on cable. Moustache’s mostly look stupid. Go Beard Team USA.

See you at the 2011 World Beard and Moustache Championships. Oh, wait…it’s in Norway?

Yeah, I can’t make that.

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5 comments on “Wondering How To Grow A Beard? STOP SHAVING.

Lori

You forgot to throw Sam Elliot in the mockery-defying mustache category.


Mark

You, and your beard, look so intense in that walk-on scene. The Beard and Moustache Championship will not know what hit them…assuming you somehow make it to Norway.


Andrew

I considered throwing Sam Elliot in there, but his moustache registers on a whole different level. That could be another post.


Andrew

I am currently raising funds to travel to Norway. Folks interested in supporting this absurd quest can….well, you can just hand me cash.


Mark

I’m 24 yrs old man……..
Desperately seeking for help to grow beard..